Pope, "business as usual"

As Pope Benedict announced his resignation he quickly moved to reassure the faithful and those employees of the church. 'A new Pope does not mean we will forget our old friends or have a rapid change in policy. We will still follow the same homophobic, sexist, condom hating rhetoric we have always done, we will just hire a better PR man. Hey when it worked for the last 1000 years why change?'

'As for the employees of the church, we will not forsake you. We will defend you from those vicious children who seek to bring down the church and if it gets to hot for you in your own country and the police come calling, just phone123666123, preist relocation service and you will be whisked away to another country that is happy to turn a blind eye to the Catholic Church and its doings.'

An insider at the Vatican claimed this could be the biggest corporate reshuffle since the church was awarded exclusive rights to misogyny, homophobia, inquisitions and mass blind following in 150 from the Roman Empire. 'Of course we are against condoms he said, the Muslims are outbreeding us and although they do a good job of killing other Muslims we are worried about our market share and the best way of keeping ahead is getting them young, as conversion is harder to do, especially with people having access,to education and now are thinking for themselves.'